


these silent beasts are hard to bear.

by vicbartons



Series: Robron Week 2018 [3]
Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Car Accidents, Character Death, Death, Heavy Angst, Injury, M/M, Major Character Injury
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-28
Updated: 2018-03-28
Packaged: 2019-04-14 01:02:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14124759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vicbartons/pseuds/vicbartons
Summary: A car. Of course it had to be a fucking car, with their history.





	these silent beasts are hard to bear.

**Author's Note:**

> This was written as part of this year´s [Robron Week](https://robronweek.tumblr.com/) for the prompt: distance/separation.

They say that you see your life flash before your eyes in those last few moments before you die.

All of your greatest hits right there in front of you, like some big hollywood blockbuster. The Good, the Bad and the downright Ugly. One last walk down memory lane, before you land on the smile of the person that you loved most as the screen slowly fades to black.

What they don´t tell you, is what happens when you lose the person you were meant to spend the rest of your life with.

What they don´t tell you, is what happens when you're the one who gets left behind.

_Of course they don´t._

It's not something people like to dwell on, because when you think about it, the one who's dying has it easy in comparison. Staying alive, making it through all the days that they stay dead, when it seems like your whole life - everything ahead of you - hinges on having them by your side, _that_ is the truly hard part.

They don't tell you that you don't get a soppy replay of your life together, akin to the In Memoriams at the Oscars; just the right mix of heartfelt, funny and emotional to leave you teary-eyed, but grateful for the time you had with them.

You don't get a perfectly edited montage with epic music swelling in the background as though your relationship was worthy of a John Williams score. (God, the Star Wars nerd in Robert would have loved that, wouldn't he?)

No, when you're the one who gets left behind, you get none of that.

What you get is much crueler, more final. The way it should be. Death is the one directing it after all.

What you get instead of all those tired chlichés, while you sit on an old, grey, threadbare sofa in the office of a doctor whose name you couldn't be bothered to remember when you entered the hospital in a state of panic hours ago, is a slideshow of all the things you´ll never have, now that your other half is gone. You see all those memories you haven't even had the chance to make yet crumble, as this stranger across from you leans over and gives your arm an encouraging squeeze, knowing full-well that it won't bring you even the smallest bit of comfort.  

_Gone._

_All gone._

From one second to the next.

And it's not just all the things you were certain of just a few hours ago.

Not just the plans you had already made, with your husband´s scribbled, handwritten notes in the family calendar to prove it.

No, not just those. Death goes a step further.

It takes all those hidden thoughts and wishes as well. Those you had carefully locked away in the back of your mind, where you thought they'd be safe from intruders. All those dreams you hadn't even dared to dream yet. The ones you only whispered to each other in the comfort of your bedroom, tangled together under the covers in the dark at 2 am, when both of you were open and fragile enough to indulge in that kind of soppiness.

Plans and hopes and dreams and possibilities.

All of it just gone.

Pictures you had made in your head blur from overexposure until there are only white blank pages left. Slowly fading, one by one, with every new sentences that falls from the doctor's lips.

 

* * *

 

Robert shouldn't even have been there.

That's the one thought Aaron kept coming back to while he mulled the events of the past few hours over again and again. He was huddled up on the cold, hard linoleum floor of one of the hospital corridors with his head pressed back against the wall as he tried to make sense of the unimaginable. He kept his eyes closed, letting himself be enveloped by the darkness in a desperate attempt to shut out the noises that kept creeping through the wooden door that separated him from the busy ward full of nurses and doctors. A part of him hoped that this was nothing more than a cruel trick his mind was playing on him and that once he opened his eyes back up again, he would be rolled up in his blanket cocoon back in their bedroom at the Mill, waking up to Robert´s light snores the way he was supposed to.

_Because Robert shouldn't even have been there after all._

 

* * *

 

Aaron had scheduled the scrap run to Leicester weeks ago.

It was a little out from their usual route, but Holey Scrap had dealt with the customer before - back when he was working out of Leeds - and the scrap he was offering seemed well worth the extra miles.

The plan was for Aaron to drive over on his own late on Friday after their usual shift, load up the scrap in the evening, get some kip in a cheap hotel and then make his way back to Emmerdale early, so that he'd be home in time for their usual Sugden-Dingle Saturday morning fry-up. Only it was Rebecca´s weekend with Seb, so when Liv had announced over tea on Thursday that her, Jacob and Noah were planning on taking Gabby out camping for the weekend to get her out of her latest post-breakup slump before finals week was upon them, Robert had decided to tag along on Aaron´s trip on a whim, declaring that it had been far too long since they'd had a proper romantic weekend just for the two of them.

So he´d cancelled Aaron´s reservation and booked them into some fancy 5 star hotel for two nights instead, happily paying the extra cancellation fee, because wasting a bit of money to woo his husband was always well worth it.

Aaron had given him the obligatory side-eye for it, Robert knowingly smirking back at him. Deep down both of them were well aware that Aaron couldn't think of a better way to spend his weekend than wrapped up in 1500-thread count egyptian cotton sheets and his husband. (Aaron was still one of the most lowbrow blokes you'd ever meet, but in spending most of the past 6 years of his life with Robert, he had learned to appreciate at least _some_ of the finer things in life, egyptian cotton definitely being one of them.)

Only they never even made it that far.

They were about fifteen minutes out of Leicester when it happened. The two of them bickering about Robert´s choice of road trip playlist - because of course they were. Aaron declared that half an hour of teen pop was about as much as he was willing to endure for the sake of their marriage before he leaned towards the middle console to switch back to an indie station.

And that´s when the lorry hit, seemingly coming out of nowhere.

(A car. Of course it had to be a fucking car, with their history.)

It slammed into the passenger side, the sounds of metal scrunching and glass shattering mixed with a scream from Robert that he could feel in his bones the last thing Aaron heard before everything went black for a little while.

 

* * *

 

Later - _after_ \- when the police showed up at the hospital, they told him that the lorry driver had ran a red light, desperate to be on time for his next drop-off. He´d collided with them at full speed and with full force, crushing the passenger-side of their transporter on impact and sending it flying through the air across the intersection.

They never stood a chance.

There was nothing Aaron could have done.

The younger one of the two officers, all blond hair and kind blue eyes, kept reassuring him of that last fact over and over again upon seeing the desperation in Aaron´s eyes, but his words never even made it through the cloud of fog that Aaron had been lost in ever since the doctor had handed him Robert´s wedding ring. Suffice it to say that the fact that everything about the young officer reminded him of his husband didn´t help either, so the two of them quickly uttered their condolences before scattering off, leaving Aaron to his misery.

He had been the one driving.

He´d taken his eyes off the road for a second.

So he should have prevented it. Stuff what the police said.

Or at the very least it should have been him lying on that cold metal table down in the basement.

Not Robert.

_Never Robert._

 

* * *

 

Aaron woke up in the car hanging upside down like a flipping bat, blood quickly rushing to his head. He didn't know how much time had passed since the crash, maybe just minutes, maybe much longer, but what he did know was that there was a sharp, stabbing pain at his side. He looked down - or up, he supposed - his heavy eyelids slowly opening, and saw a piece of glass sticking out at a ninety-degree angle just a few centimeters above his right hip bone. Aaron hissed in pain, but thought better of it than to pull it out. He'd seen enough episodes of Casualty to know how stupid a move that would be. Apart from that and a banging headache though, he felt okay, all things considered.

Aaron tried to turn his head to take in his surroundings, but even the slightest twitch made every muscle in his neck scream in agony, so he just let his his head slump back against the headrest again, heavy breaths shaking his body as he tried to fill his lungs with air and give himself a chance to think.

It took him a second to wrap his mind around what was happening to him, his brain fighting through the inevitable trauma to catch up with reality. But once it did, there was only a single thought on his mind, drowning out everything else.

“Robert?” he mumbled under his breath, words slurring a little bit. “Ya alright?”

Carefully, Aaron stretched out his hand towards the passenger seat, pins and needles in every single one of his fingers as they made his way towards his husband. The moment he felt the soft material of Robert´s dress shirt under his fingertips, a sigh of relief escaped his lips. He wrapped his fingers tightly around his husband´s biceps with as much strength as he could muster in his weakened state, thanking all the gods he didn't believe in that at the very least Robert hadn't been catapulted out of the car on impact.

However, Aaron´s relief didn't last long as he realised that Robert hadn't actually responded to his question.

“Robert?” he croaked louder, panic now clear in his tone, pupils searching the corners of his eyes.

But again, there was no response.

Ignoring the pain, Aaron finally turned his head around, terrified to his core of the condition he would find Robert in. His husband was jammed between his seat and the dashboard which had pretty much collapsed in on itself. That alone would have been an alarming sight, if only because with it every last hope Aaron might have had of being able to pull the two of them out of the wreck himself crumbled right then and there. But that was nothing compared to seeing Robert´s head slummed to the side, shattered window clinging to the lengths of his torso, his husband completely motionless apart from the blood running from his nose as well as a massive cut on his head which was slowly but surely staining Robert´s blond hair dark red, one thick drop at a time.

Aaron couldn´t think straight, nothing but a steady hum of “No” falling from his mouth as his fingernails dug into the flesh of Robert´s arm, begging for any sort of reaction from the older man.

“Robert!” he was screaming now, his voice resounding through the carcass of their transporter.

_This couldn't be it._

It just couldn´t be.

Restricted in his movement by his seatbelt and unable to unclip it in fear of sliding out of his seat for good and injuring himself even further in the process, Aaron threw all of his weight towards the passenger side, shoving at Robert with his outstretched arm. He just needed to wake him up, then they could go from there. If only he could wake him up.

“Robert!”

Nothing.

“ROBERT!”

As his screams grew louder, Robert´s name turned into a desperate prayer. He couldn´t lose him. Not like this. Not ever. He wouldn´t know how to cope.

“Urgh.”

Aaron was sure that he had never felt this much happiness upon hearing nothing more than a simple groan.

Suddenly, Robert blinked, his eyelids barely lifting. But their flutter was enough to let Aaron´s heart slow back down just a little bit after he had been certain that it was about to beat out of his chest only seconds ago.

“You scared me to death,” Aaron almost whimpered, not even caring for his unfortunate choice of words.

It seemingly took a few seconds for Aaron´s sentence to even register with Robert, but it did.

“´orry.”

Robert´s voice was nothing more than a whisper, his lips hardly moving as he spoke. Aaron had to try and focus against the throbbing pain in his head to make out the word, but it was there and that was all that mattered for now. It settled something in the pit of Aaron´s stomach which had come undone upon taking in the damage the crash had done to Robert, even if just a little bit.

“Robert,” Aaron begged, his thumb pressing into the crook of Robert´s elbow, hoping the touch would help ground Robert in reality, instead of letting him float further away. “I'm going to need ya to stay awake for me, alright?”

Robert´s chin slowly made its way to his chest, giving Aaron the slightest of nods.

They just sat like that for a minute, the crinkling of Robert´s shirt as Aaron´s slowly let his hand rub up and down Robert´s arm and Robert´s ragged breaths the only sound between the two of them.

“I love ya,” Robert breathed deeply, desperate to properly fill his lungs with air with the dashboard pressed far too tightly against his chest, “you know.” His voice was still low, every syllable seemingly an effort, but given the circumstances, they both would take whatever they could get. “Course I know that,” Aaron reassured him. “But you need to shut up now, okay?” Because Aaron knew what Robert was trying to do, the weight his husband was giving his declaration - so far off from the ease with which the two of them were able to use those three words on any other day years into their relationship - making his intentions clear.

“No saying goodbye to me, Dingle. You promised me at least the next 50 years, remember?”

It was supposed to come out strong and determined, but neither one of them missed the desperate, begging undertone of Aaron´s words, as much as he had tried to hide it.

Robert stuck out the tip of his tongue just a little bit, wetting his dry bottom lip before he was able to speak again. “Yeah,” he muttered and if he could taste the bitter, metallic taste of the blood that was dribbling from his mouth as he spoke on his tongue, he didn´t let it show.

“So you're gonna stay awake for me now.”

An order.

_A plea._

With that, Aaron scrambled to find his phone, because for all his talk he knew full-well that Robert wasn't going to make it much longer, if he couldn't get them some help and quickly. But neither the search through his jeans pockets where the darn thing had been before, nor shoving his fingers into the space between his seat and the backrest proved successful -  the fact that he still couldn´t feel his own fingers completely and somehow at the same time felt every single movement of his limbs like he had spent the past week lifting kilos and kilos of scrap about not helping his cause in the slightest. Aaron grew more and more agitated as he let his hands roam through the inside of the car to the extent to which he could actually reach without having to open up his seatbelt.

“Should´ve stayed at home.” Another deep breath. “Could´ve avoided this,” Robert mumbled into the air, more to himself than anyone else, “and your shit taste in music.” At that he turned his head the slightest bit, his eyes actually focusing on Aaron for a second before his lids closed again. Aaron had never been more thankful for an insult in his life. “Yeah right,” he smirked back at him, having found a bit of hope in Robert actually uttering more than a single sentence regardless of how slurred and scattered his words were. “Sorry that not every song can live up to the genius of Taylor Swift, muppet.”

If anyone had heard them in that very moment, they would have declared the both of them insane, but to Robert and Aaron bickering with each other and exchanging insults was the only way either one of them was able cope with this mess they´d found themselves in. It was familiar. Safe. If they were going to have to fear for their lives on a road in the middle of nowhere, they were going to do it together and they were going to make each other feel as loved and secure as they possibly could by taking the mick out of each other, like it was just any other random friday afternoon.

That's when they heard the screams from outside. Well, Aaron heard them. He wasn´t sure if Robert was hearing or seeing or even feeling much of anything right now. But god did he hope he did. Aaron wasn't able to focus on them enough to make out any specifics, but he could definitely hear a dog barking, the sharp high-pitched squeaks laced in between making his head feel like it was about to split in two.

 **A dog.** The four of them would have gotten a dog. Robert had been campaigning for a cat for months, of course he had, but he was fighting a losing battle and everyone knew it. Seb, Liv, Gerry and Aaron would have outvoted him four to one and they would have asked Paddy for help and ended up with some mixed breed from a sanctuary. Just another lost soul with a big heart hidden behind a tough exterior to find a home in the Sugden-Dingle household. Robert would have tried his best to pretend to hate him. Aaron would have let him sleep at the foot of their bed on top of their covers and every night, his husband would have let out a dissatisfied grumble as if he didn't love it that he finally woke up with warm feet every morning thanks to his new four-footed personal heater. _They were going to get a dog._

Aaron didn´t dare to imagine what their transporter looked like from the outside, but if the panicked screams of the people on the other side of their splintered windshield were anything to go by, he was fairly certain that if he had been one of them, he would have compared it to the dozens of piles of scrap he had sitting at the yard. And he certainly wouldn't have wanted to put any of his hard earned cash on anyone on the inside making it out alive.

Needless to say that actually being the one stuck inside, everything was looking even bleaker.

But Aaron would be damned if that stopped him from screaming at the top of his lungs as he heard the passersby approach. Because he was going to get Robert out of this godforsaken car in one piece, if it was the last thing he did. He let out another scream for help, before there was shouting from outside about an ambulance being on its way and Aaron let out a low huff, taking a deep breath in relief, ignoring the stinging in his side as best he could.

“Keep talking,” Robert´s plea brought Aaron back, all of his senses on high alert as he took in every inch of his husband once again. He couldn´t see any change in his condition, which he took as a good sign. (Because he wasn't a medical professional and didn't know any better and because if he wanted to get them out of here, he couldn't possibly allow himself to even think about the alternative).

“Liv´s got her A-Levels coming up,” he offered. Not that Robert needed reminding when every inch of the Mill had been covered in books and sheets of paper with notes scribbled onto them for the past month, every single one of them a thorn in Robert´s eyes when he let his inner neat freak take the lead. Only he didn't, because he could see the effort and hard work that Liv was putting into doing well in her exams and both Aaron and Robert had never been prouder of her.

“She’s smart,” Robert muttered and Aaron could have sworn he saw a smile tugging at the corners of his lips as he said it.

“Course she is,” he nodded, beaming for a second as he thought of their little sister.  “Doesn’t mean that she doesn’t need you to help her with her algebra.”

“You’re rubbish at maths,” and if it hadn't been for the blood dripping down Robert´s bottom lip and his noticeably shallowing breaths, Aaron would have laughed at it. But even with panic taking hold of his heart once again, he soldiered on for Robert´s sake, hoping that his fear couldn´t be heard as much as he was feeling it in his bones. “Exactly,” he tried for a proper smile. “So you better not be thinking about leaving me to deal with that alone.” 

 **Liv´s graduation.** They would have sat in the back row at Liv´s graduation. Aaron would have cried, of course he would have, while Robert would have tried his hardest to hold back tears. Nonetheless, Aaron would have noticed his chin quiver as he let Seb bounce up and down on his knee and they would have held onto each other´s hands tightly in a rare public display of affection, because it would have felt like the first time the both of them together had truly gotten something right. _They were going to go to Liv´s graduation._

Aaron´s pleas weren't enough for much longer and from one second to another, Robert closed his eyes completely again making Aaron´s heart fall. Hysterically, Aaron´s hand scrambled along Robert´s arm, ignoring the pain as he went, until he could wrap his hand around Robert´s wrist and press two fingers against his pulsepoint.

It was incredibly weak, but it was there. And so, unable to think of anything and with no intention to give up, Aaron just kept going.

“Also,” he argued like they were just chatting over breakfast, “there are two tickets for a trip to Vegas lying on your bedside table as we speak and I'm not about to cancel that trip again.” He tried keeping his tone light, but his heart was was in his throat panic rising from the soles of his feat, threatening to engulf him completely with every hitch in Robert´s breathing. “Especially, because most of that stuff is non-refundable,” he added determined.

“Waste,” the word got caught in Robert´s throat, his eyes still not opening.

“No,” Aaron argued weakly, clinging to his husband for dear life. “We cannot let those go to waste.” Unable to hold it in any longer, he finally let a sob escape his mouth, the force of it shaking his entire body. He could taste the salt from his tears on his upper lip.

 **Vegas.**  Robert had gotten them the tickets for their anniversary, the two of them determined to finally make the once cancelled vacation happen ever since they had gotten back together. They would have flown out to a fancy hotel, Robert getting tipsy off two shots of whiskey to calm his nerves during the flight. They would have spent a blissful week wrapped up in each other, using the time alone to recharge and to give Aaron the chance to be as loud as he would always like to be in bed. They would have gotten around to all the tourist attractions, the casinos and the shows, and Robert would have come back home with an insane amount of snapshots from their vacation, enough to annoy and make all of his social media followers jealous in equal measure for at least a month. _They were going to  finally make it to Vegas._

“So you´re gonna stay with me, Dingle. Ya hear me?”

Aaron didn´t know how much longer he could keep this up. Didn´t know how long they had been stuck here. Shouldn´t the ambulance have arrived already? How long could it possible take to get here out of Leicester? Or had he maybe just imagined the people outside in his delusion and nobody was coming for them after all?

“Robert, do you hear me?”

Nothing.

“Robert.”

No.

“Robert!”

This wasn´t happening. _This couldn´t be happening._

“ROBERT!”

He wouldn´t let it happen.

“Don't you dare.”

Not now.

“You don't get to do this to me.”

Not after everything.

They´d come so far. Further than Aaron had ever dared to imagine. Further than he had dreamed in his wildest dreams back when he was just a bit on the side, having to take everything he could get from Robert in stolen moments in dirty barns. Stolen kisses. Stolen touches. Reveling in every single one of them.

They had come too far for it to end like this.

“Please.”

Still nothing.

Just an incredibly weak pulsing against the tip of Aaron´s index finger. The slow, unsteady hum of blood rushing through the artery underneath Robert´s skin the only thing keeping Aaron from falling apart completely in that moment.

“Robert come on, we´re not done yet.”

“Come on.”

“Please?”

_“Don't leave me here alone.”_

**Kids.** They would have had another kid. Someday. One day. Soon. A little down the line, when both of them would have felt like they had figured out their own heads enough to bring someone new into the equation. When everything had calmed down a little again. Because they both loved this little mismatched patchwork family they had made for themselves. Liv, Seb and even Gerry who had somehow ended up a permanent fixture in their lives that they wouldn't want to miss for anything. But they both wanted more. Because Liv and Gerry were about become proper adults, ready to go out there into the world to make it their own and Seb was starting to become an actual person these days, which shockingly enough actually made both of them miss the days of midnight feedings and dirty nappies. Soon enough, the Mill would be quieter than it had ever been. So Robert and Aaron had come to the agreement that they'd make sure they would fill their home with the light giggling laughter of another child. They hadn´t agreed on the when and how yet, but they both wanted it and they knew they'd make it happen no matter how much red tape people were going to try to throw at them. And god that kid would never have spent a single moment wondering if they were loved. _Aaron and Robert were going to become parents again, and they were going to be absolutely brilliant at it._

 

* * *

 

When they loaded Robert into the ambulance - Aaron right behind him - he thought that everything would be alright. Just for a minute, somewhere underneath the panic and fear, he allowed himself to believe that they were going to be okay. Because the ambulance was here now, Robert was still breathing somehow and he was in the best hands. So they were going to be okay.

Only life was rarely that simple.

 

* * *

 

“We did everything we could. I'm truly sorry.“ Her hand landed on his knee in a gesture of comfort. It was unwelcome, but Aaron´s mind was a hundred miles away anyway, not even “there” enough in the moment to shake her off.

“I know this is a lot to take in, Mr. Dingle. Do you need me to call anyone? Family, a friend maybe?“

“My h-”, the word got stuck in Aaron's throat. He wanted to say “my husband”, because that's what him and Robert did, always had done ever since they´d found their way back to each other. Whenever something big happened in Aaron´s life, be it good, bad, shocking or terrifying, whatever it was, it was Robert he wanted to share it with. Robert he wanted by his side to face it. Always Robert.

But that was _before_.

If he were to call Robert now, he would only be greeted by the overly smarmy voicemail message he had recorded a few months ago. The one in his uber-posh business man voice that Aaron and Liv had relentlessly made fun of him for.

Now that stupid message suddenly seemed precious.

Now that it was the only way he'd ever be able to hear his voice again.

Robert would never pick up that phone again.

Aaron didn't have a husband to call for support.

Not anymore.

_Aaron didn´'t have a husband anymore._

And at that he finally broke.

He slid down the front of the couch, let his head fall against his knees and began to sob violently. As the reality of the situation slowly sank in, the pain of the loss hit him like a ton of bricks and left him shaking on the floor. It felt a little like back in the day when he would box in the barns with uncle Zak and ended up getting the wind knocked out of him, after not having been able to duck out of the way of a punch thrown his way. Only a thousand times worse and more final. 

 **Robert and Aaron were going to have all the time in the world.**   _Until they suddenly didn´t._

 

* * *

 

Just like that, everything Aaron thought his life was going to be crumbled to dust on that couch in that dimly lit room with its pristine white surfaces and right angles at 10:34 pm on a Friday.

No gentle warning.

No last chance for a proper goodbye.

_It just ended._

Stopped.

 

* * *

 

It took the whole Dingle clan most of Saturday to even get Aaron off of the hospital ground and out into the car park. Chas and Lisa had tried their best, all warm hugs and familiar smells, Belle sitting at Aaron's side for a few hours, not talking but just gently rubbing a hand along his back. Even Marlon had shown up later in the afternoon, balancing four boxes of tupperware in his arms as he stumbled into the corridor, desperate to get some food into Aaron (a mission that Chas had surely set him out on).

But none of it had worked.

None of it.

It had been like Aaron wasn't even in the room with them.

Instead, he'd just been sitting on the floor, almost curled up in a ball as he let his fingers run along the metal of Robert´s wedding ring. Over and over again. Like a child rubbing at a bottle in a desperate attempt to come upon a Genie who would grant them three wishes.

Aaron could have done with just one.

In the end, it was Cain who somehow managed to get through to him, if only for a little bit. He kicked the rest of the family out, telling them to go and start up the cars and that him and Aaron would follow them in a minute, and that was exactly what happened.

“Robert wouldn't want this.”

_That's what did it._

“He´d fall apart seeing you like this.”

It shouldn't have mattered what Robert would want, or what Robert would think, or what Robert thought was best to do. Robert was the one who´d left Aaron after all and in his angrier moments - of which there had been a fair few over the course of the 18 hours that Aaron had basically spent in a trance in that godforsaken hospital - he was fairly certain that disqualified Robert from ever getting any say in anything ever again.

Only of course it didn´t.

What Robert thought of him would always matter.

_Robert would always matter._

“He and Liv and Seb, they need you to get up, Aaron. Just get up and get home. That's all they need for now.”

And so Aaron got up, Cain´s tight grip on his shoulder keeping him steady as they made their way out of the hospital and into the car and then out of Leicester. Cain´s hand didn't leave Aaron for a second during their journey home and Aaron was fairly certain that his uncle´s hold was the only thing tying him to reality during the three and a half hours it took them to get back to the Woolpack.

 

* * *

 

Aaron couldn´t really remember much of the drive, but he did remember the Dingle´s forming a protective wall between him and every nosey villager hanging around to get a look at him as he made his way into his mum´s pub.

And he did remember giving his mum´s arm a tight squeeze when he´d asked her if it would be okay for him to stay with her for a little while. Chas had only tutted at him, eyes wide and red-rimmed from crying, calling him daft for even asking such a stupid question.

So now here he was, curled up in his and Robert´s old room, his arms tight around one of their pillows from the Mill. Sam had brought it over. He´d quietly crept into the room a couple of hours ago, with a sympathetic look in his eyes, and just handed him the pillow before leaving again without saying a word. Because Sam knew.

 _Of course he did_ , after Alice.

Aaron might not always have taken Sam as seriously as he knew he should, what with him being a bit slow on the uptake sometimes and all, but that man had a heart bigger than he´d ever given him credit for and if he ever felt like talking or let alone leaving this bed again, he would have to make sure to thank him for it.

Only right now Aaron couldn't think of that ever happening.

Because now, in the peace and quiet of his old bedroom, reality was finally truly catching up with him.

Tomorrow Liv would come home from her camping trip after two and a half days of no-cellphone-signal bliss. Aaron had no idea how to face her, but he knew it had to be him. At some point he'd have to go and see Seb. He was well aware that the news probably had reached Rebecca already and the relief that thought brought him made him feel slightly ashamed. Still, he'd have to go and see his son and he'd have to explain and then at some point he'd have to take him and Liv home and they´d have to figure out what life would be for the three of them now.

_Three._

Aaron stumbled over that word.

It stopped the tailspin of what and how and why and when his brain had been going into.

Three, because Robert was gone.

If Aaron hadn´t been silently crying for a day by now, he would have broken out in tears again right then and there. But there were no more tears to spill, his eyes all cried out, so all Aaron was left with were silent sobs that left his entire body heaving.

He wrapped his arms a little tighter around himself, Robert´s pillow pressed close against him like a last lifeline as he buried his nose deep in it, revelling in the warm, citrusy smell.

It was lulling him into a false sense of security and he could feel his eyes falling shut. After all, there was only so much so pain and exhaustion anyone could take before their body would just shut down on them and Aaron was far beyond what anyone should have to take in a mere 24 hours. No matter how badly he wanted to and no matter how hard he tried, Aaron couldn't put sleep off any longer.

So he let it take over, praying to whoever would listen that it would be a dreamless one.

 

* * *

 

There in their old bedroom, with the noise of the hustle and bustle of the pub creeping through the floorboards and the smell of his husband´s posh shower gel filling his nose, Aaron came to realise that there was a grain of truth to all those clichéd sayings after all.

They were right about how the last thing Aaron saw behind his closed eyelids that night were a pair of blue-green eyes, a face full of freckles and laughter lines and that brilliant smug smile that Aaron had taken for granted for so long. The one he´d thought a certainty in his life, never even entertaining the idea that he wouldn't get to wake up to it until both of them were old and grey.

Lying there in the dark, he wished he´d appreciated it more.

Had made more of an effort to memorise every last line of Robert´s face.

There in the dark, truly alone for the first time since, feeling a sadness and desperation take hold in his bones that he wasn't sure he'd ever be able to shake, _there were a lot of things Aaron wished he'd done differently._

He wished he could just wake up and realise that all of this had been nothing but a bad dream. He wished he had met Robert sooner. Wished they had made things work quicker. Wished he hadn't always been so stubborn, so quick to anger and even quicker to lash out. Wished he'd taken Robert´s hand more often and that he´d kissed him a little bit longer and a little bit harder at the scrapyard before they'd gotten into the car.

What he did not wish for was never having met Robert at all or never having loved him. Because all of this, the soul crushing agony and fear he was feeling, it was worth it. Every tear and sleepless night, every nightmare. Whatever it was that came next.

_It was all worth it for having gotten to love Robert._

Even if just for a little bit.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on tumblr [@vicbartons](https://vicbartons.tumblr.com/)


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